Let me just start out by saying this post is not meant to be poetically written. I want my blog to be as real and authentic as possible. I want to put myself out there to try to help and connect with other moms. I know that someone has to feel the same way I do! I am going to be blunt and just say it, I am having a HARD time. Like, a really hard time. I get stuck in a space sometimes where I just don’t feel like I am being the best mom that I can be. I wish I had more grace and patience when it comes to being a mom.
I find myself struggling the most with balance. How do you juggle working full-time, being a mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, etc?!?! It is crazy hard, I would even dare say impossible. I find that often times when I’m at work I just crave being at home with my daughter. But when I’m at home, all I can think about is the list of chores that are piling up. As a result, I am unable to truly enjoy the time that I have with Kennedy. Guilt is also something I struggle with. I feel guilty for working full-time. Even though, I know that this is what will provide the best life for my daughter. I feel guilty that I don’t always give her 100% of my attention, because I’m tired and stretched too thin. I feel guilty when I get frustrated with K, when she isn’t going along with the plan that I have set up for the day.
Kennedy is also a nonsleeper. That girl will fight sleep until the death. Unfortunately, this allows for mommy to have very little “me” time. I know that as mother’s we are expected to be selfless and give up most things for our children. But I MISS my “me” time, I really do. I miss sitting down and reading magazines with a hot cup of coffee. These days my pile of unread magazines grows bigger by the month, and my cups of coffee are usually cold by the time I get to drink it. I miss being able to read a good book. Heck, as much as I love dry shampoo, I even miss finding the time to wash my hair more than once a week.
Honestly, I feel a little lonely. I’m not sure why? I have my own mom, mom friends, my husband. But I just feel like no one quite understands. I find it hard to describe the way I feel, and why I feel this way to others in a successful manner. I don’t feel like a “natural” when it comes to being a mom. I am a pretty confident person in other areas of my life. When it comes to being a mom I just feel so unsure. I am constantly questioning myself as a mother. I know that I am probably being ridiculously too hard on myself. I just want to be the best mom I can be, the best version of myself for my daughter. She deserves that.
I try really hard not to focus on the negative. I know that I have a very blessed life and I am so grateful. But sometimes life’s challenges get the better of me. I find it helps when I try to take it day by day, and not let the bad days bleed into the next. But, sometimes it is hard not to feel overwhelmed. I know there are other moms who have to feel the same way that I do. If you’re reading this, I just want you to know that you are not alone. I say to you, and to myself: When the self doubt and exhaustion creeps in you are an awesome momma, and you are doing a great job. We are not perfect, so don’t forget to forgive yourself on those tough days. Hang in there, and continue to do the best you can. We are all in this together.